so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
