We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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