U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
