cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
