Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
