I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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