This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
