hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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