hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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