she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
