Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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