You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
