She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
