Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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