This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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