Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
