I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
