Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We need a shit load of segways right now
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
