There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
