I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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