I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
