You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
