I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
