she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
