hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
