He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
