you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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