what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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