We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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