see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
