Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
