Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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