I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
