Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
