finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
