haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
