Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
how does that bad decision feel?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
