Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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