During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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