Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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