Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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