Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
