Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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