I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just pee around me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
