Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
