ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
