I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You made out with two different species that night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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