my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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