I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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