i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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