I love black thongs
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
