Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
