Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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