Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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