Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
