I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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