So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
