The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
