My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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