I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
