ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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