mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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