worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
